Discussion in 'The Human Condition' started by Anonymous, Apr 15, 2003.
Mostly puns in mine.
Went for a fertility test.
The doctor asked: " Can you masturbate in the cup?"
I replied: "I'm flattered, but I don't think I'm championship standard."
Easy cum, easy go.
Didn't Grant Morrison urge a "group wanking" amongst his readers to help give mystic power to his comic book series the Invisibles?
In fact, he started the project with a sigil he charged while bungee-jumping from a bridge in New Zealand; when it looked like the series might be cancelled early, Morrison used the letters column to teach readers the art of sigil magic and asked them to participate in a "wank-a-thon" to imbue the book with lasting power. The book never got cancelled, and you can't argue with results.
When I was in my late teens in the early eighties I had a mate who was in and out of borstal for various crimes (usually non violent pursuits after money). I got a call one day to go down and meet him and a couple of his friends, they'd all been incarcerated and released at the same time and had headed up to London to look for work. I remember they were holed up in a single room in one of those inexpensive, no questions asked hotels around the corner from Kings Cross Station and, being next to broke, spent a lot of time playing cards or drinking cough medicine for a minor hallucinogenic experience (Benylin used to do that then but you had to drink half a bottle).
They too would indulge in group masturbation, it was a sort of race, one of them would shout a call sign (nothing too imaginative, 'Wank Race !' maybe) at which point they would all drop their keks and pump furiously away on their knees facing each other in a circle.
Occasionally socks would be used to avoid mess. I was stunned the first time I witnessed this, they found it hilarious and there was also a certain amount of pride attached to who was the fastest 'gun' each time, I seem to remember being asked to 'umpire' but turning it down.
They told me this game had come from borstal, it was back in the days of the 'short, sharp shock' approach when juvenile detention centres were pretty bleak (no tv/radio etc, staff beatings, pretty much as depicted in the Ray Winstone film 'Scum'). I suppose with time on your hands it beats playing I-Spy !
Reading about a 'Wankathon' here reminded me of those times, still smiling now.
I saw Kenneth Williams on a telly chat show once speaking about - allegedly - having had a fertility test.
Ken apparently provided a specimen but, on returning for the results, was told by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have too much sugar and albumen in your semen. You can never have children, but you can make lovely meringues."
There's apparently a quote in his diaries :
Maudie: "Doctor said Adrian has too much albumen and I too much sugar. Can't have children but we can make lovely meringues!"
I wonder if they were aware of the (possible urban myth) of 'soggy biscuit' that was said to be played in the forces ? .. basically a circle jerk with a biscuit placed in the middle but the last one to finish had to eat the biscuit.
When I was in school I remember people in the rugby club telling me they did that.
I heard similar rumours, thankfully I've never witnessed it.
I'm finding this thread pretty hard to swallow.
The soggy-biscuit game is so yesterday!
I am told - by a reliably filthy source - that the "Really Dirty Martini" is all the rage in some (wanking) circles.
They can polish off a few in a binge.
This sort of thing does leave a bad taste in the mouth.
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