Spam: Who Writes It?

Discussion in 'Notes & Queries' started by Naughty_Felid, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. Coal

    Coal Sure, we're all wrong. Makes complete sense.

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    *sends Swifty £1000 for secret instructions, known only to a select few, for nailing jello to ceiling*
     
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  2. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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    This jelly nailed to our ceilings is going to look brill with our meringue artexing Coal ! :)
     
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  3. Coal

    Coal Sure, we're all wrong. Makes complete sense.

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    *Coal sends Swifty £500 for secret of upside-down meringue*
     
  4. Xanatic*

    Xanatic* Justified & Ancient

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    May I suggest buying my book "Just Desserts: How to make your fortune by nailing sugary treats to walls"
     
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  5. MorningAngel

    MorningAngel Abominable Snowman

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  6. jimv1

    jimv1 Analogue Boy

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    Good luck with that. It doesn't bother me because...

    I'M EARNING OVER £95 AN HOUR WITH THIS FANTASTIC NEW FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    BEEN INVOLVED IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A SAUSAGE AT WORK? THEN CONTACT US HERE AT 'I THINK I MAY HAVE BEEN INJURED BY A SAUSAGE AT WORK BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE'. YOUR CALL WILL BE TREATED IN STRICTEST CONFIDENCE AND YOU COULD QUALIFY FOR A HUGE CASH PAYOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! WE SPECIALISE IN INCIDENTS RANGING FROM MILD STRANGULATION WITH A CUMBERLAND RING TO A POKE IN THE EYE WITH A WARM CHIPOLATA!!!!!!!!!!!!
    SCOTS...WE ARE NOW RECRUITING STAFF TO DEAL WITH REGIONAL SQUARE SAUSAGE-RELATED ACCIDENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!
    CALL US NOW...YOUR CLAIM COULD BE WORTH £££££S!!!!!!*

    *But it probably won't.
     
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  7. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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    I'm sorry Jim but I can't find any humour out of poor people who've suffered sausage related injuries at work FFS!.
     
  8. hunck

    hunck Justified & Ancient

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    I sprained my sausage in a freak photocopying accident at work and now walk with a lisp. How much can I expect?
     
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  9. jimv1

    jimv1 Analogue Boy

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    It depends on the type of sausage. If it's a Lincolnshire, you could be in for a large payout. If it was a generic Wall's .... not so much. Where there's a legal claim at stake you have to be more specific. A large, pendulous swollen black pudding is still a legal grey area despite our best efforts to have it included within our coverage. If you've suffered whiplash from a Toulouse, there are obviously negotiations with the French Embassy to consider in our fees.
     
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  10. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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    I think I may have been miss sold one of those black puddings that's actually white for years Jim, as a consequence I've suffered whip lash of the verruca. Is one of those black puddings that's white classed as a sausage and would I be entitled to any compensation ?.
     
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  11. Heckler

    Heckler The unspeakable mass

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    LOCATION:
    In the Nostril of The Crawling Chaos
    I've just been savaged by an unlicensed feral Haggis, I demand restitution!
     
  12. ramonmercado

    ramonmercado CyberPunk

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    Sturgeon dinna give two hoots. Awa' wi' ye!
     
  13. Coal

    Coal Sure, we're all wrong. Makes complete sense.

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    Rubbish, they're long extinct and only a few small herds now remain, cultivated for tourists.
     
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  14. OneWingedBird

    OneWingedBird Antediluvian

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    Attice of blinkey lights
    They're not known for putting the best bits of the pig in their sausages, hence the old saying - Walls have ears.
     
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  15. GingerTabby

    GingerTabby Carbon-based life form

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    all lost in the supermarket
    Several years ago at a Robbie Burns Day celebration I listened with amusement as one guest took the pi** out of another guest when the conversation turned to the subject of haggis. The second guest had never previously attended such an event. The first guest insisted that the domesticated haggis was far superior to the feral variety and he went on a bit about the methods used in haggis farming. The second guest listened attentively. I don't know when, or even if, the penny ever dropped.
     
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  16. cycleboy2

    cycleboy2 Ephemeral Spectre

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    I think this is the wurst thread I've encountered here...
     
  17. XBergMann

    XBergMann Devoted Cultist

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    I was particularly excited to receive this one by email this morning.

    The author obviously did not pay attention in his scammer school as he apparently attended Barrack Obama's inauguration last month along with President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria who has not been President of Nigeria for some time.

    NIGERIAN POLICE FORCE
    FRAUD/CONTRACT AND IDENTITY THEFT INVESTIGATION DEPARTMENT
    OFFICE OF THE INSPECTOR GENERAL OF POLICE
    COMMAND FORCE HEADQUARTERS
    LOUIS EDET HOUSE CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT
    ABUJA NIGERIA
    EMAIL: n.policeforce@yahoo.com
    Phone: +234-8170294100



    Attn: Sir,

    TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN




    We received an instruction memo and letter few days ago from the New
    York Police Department in America that your consignment box was
    freight by DHL diplomat Courier Company was stopped by the United
    States Joint Patrol Team in the Transport and Security Administration
    Department, the letter also made us to understand that your
    consignment box is due for urgent repatriation back to Africa
    yesterday, however as I write you now the consignment box has your
    particulars as evidence of proof of ownership, and it was returned
    back to Africa early hours of today, and was deposited to my station.

    This notification letter report is based on the returned of your
    consignment box,and you are urgently advise to give urgent attention
    to this development, Well, I have also contacted DHL office
    headquarters to know why all these happened and I now understand the
    reason why the consignment box has been having problems on transit
    while in an attempt to reach you, the problem is very simple, it was
    because all these while, you guys never employ a police constable to
    follow up the delivery with a Police certified Extract Clearance
    Report, well, there is one way to which this box right here could
    reach you without long stories again, and that way is first of all
    getting a Police Extract of this your consignment box thereafter I
    will personally bring it to your house or assign a Police Constable to
    escort the consignment box to your house.


    As a member of the Federal Executive Council, I to traveled to USA
    with President Good Luck Jonathan of Nigeria to the Obama's
    Presidential Inauguration last week assuming your consignment box came
    to my office earlier than this, I would have come to the state along
    with it. Meanwhile, The cost of getting this consignment to your
    doorstep is nothing to be compared to what you had spent before, the
    only protocol to be observed is for you to get the Police Extract
    Clearance Report of the consignment box, and this clearance
    certificate shall cost you the sum of $500 and this is the only money
    you have to pay for the consignment to get to you, however If you can
    rally round and get just only $500 i will help you with all that
    processes therein, I will also help you get the Police Extract and
    transport the consignment alongside the entourage of the presidential
    convoy, though it will be stressful on me, but i can help you do it if
    you can send the sum $500 as early as possible..


    I will use the money to settle the pilot and some officials so that
    nobody will disturb the movement as we come to meet you in your house.
    Finally, remember that the Police is your friend help us to serve you
    better. Kindly open the attached file to view my working ID card,
    although under normal circumstance as a Police Chief, I am not
    supposed to disclose my ID card to civilian, but due to the fact that
    you need to be sure of whom you are dealing with, that is why I had to
    scan and attach it for your pursual and verification.

    Here is the name of the recipient for the payment.

    RECEIVER'S NAME: AGATA DONA
    DESTINATION: LAGOS, NIGERIA
    TEXT QUESTION: IN GOD
    TEXT ANSWER: WE TRUST
    AMOUNT: $500

    If truely you want us to bring this consignment to your doorstep then
    you have to find this money and send today to above given names so
    that I can obtain a Police Extract Clearance that will enhance a
    hitch-free delivery to your doorstep and the shipment shall be
    delivered on sunday evening at your house, please also re-confirm your
    personal home address and ID for easy identification upon arrival, I
    shall also need to have your direct telephone number so that I can
    call and reach you right from the airport.


    1. YOUR FULL NAME..........................
    2. YOUR TELEPHONE......
    3. FAX...................................................
    4. AGE...........
    5. SEX....................................
    6. YOUR OCCUPATION................................
    7. YOUR ADDRESS........................

    Thank you,
    DIG HYACINTH DAGALA MEDGU,
    ANTI-FRAUD SECTION The Anti-Fraud Section
    Deputy Inspector General
    of Force Head Quarters Abuja
     
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  18. Andy X

    Andy X Portent

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    Well...what are you waiting for??
     
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  19. birdy

    birdy Devoted Cultist

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    I've had loads of scammy spammy emails lately regarding all sorts of money transfers. If I were such a high profile dignitary, I too would be concerned about exposing my person:

    I can never be a part of evil; YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.
    Please respect my discretion in this matter, you can send an email to me so that I can give you the Chase Bank information, the name and contact information of the officials of the bank where your fund will be transferred to you directly. I repeat, please do not expose my person, it is not easy to get jobs around here and I cannot contend with these powerful individuals because they can eliminate me just like that.
    God bless you.
    Best regards
    ( )
     
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  20. birdy

    birdy Devoted Cultist

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    and this just in, in which my sewing skills are greatly exaggerated:

    Dear Costumer

    Your AppIe ID was used to sign in to iCIoud on a MacBook Pro 13".
    Time: March 21, 2017
    Operating System: OSX;10.9.1
     
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  21. Andy X

    Andy X Portent

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  22. tastyintestines

    tastyintestines Justified & Ancient

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  23. MorningAngel

    MorningAngel Abominable Snowman

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  24. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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  25. Shady

    Shady Bring me Dreamies Human

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    Yep, I'm in
     
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