Humour & Jokes

Discussion in 'Chat' started by rynner2, Dec 31, 2007.

Do you have a GSOH?

  1. Yes

    26 vote(s)
    45.6%
  2. Sometimes

    9 vote(s)
    15.8%
  3. No

    7 vote(s)
    12.3%
  4. What's a GSOH?

    15 vote(s)
    26.3%
  1. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic bags behind her.

    One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

    Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Excuse me , do you realise there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

    "Oh, really?" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

    "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence,right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me. Kills the flowers, you know.

    "Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time someone sticks his thing through my fence,I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'Give me £20 or off it comes!'"

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Not everybody pays."
     
  2. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    Turns out that WKD was named after the people who drink it.... Women, Kids and Dickheads....
     
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  3. Yithian

    Yithian Intergalactic Space Crusader Staff Member

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  4. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    Ever see the Voyager gold plates and think it's creepy that we sent aliens nude pics of ourselves and directions to our house?
     
  5. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    That's why they've never made contact. We're the sex pests of the galaxy.
     
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  6. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    Apart from interstellar abduction and anal probing Bigphoot2 .. extra terrestrials are winning so far on that level .. only because we haven't worked out how to do that to them yet. Probably.
     
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  7. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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  8. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    So that's why they do the probing!
     
  9. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    Add to that - recyclable.
     
  10. ChrisBoardman

    ChrisBoardman Justified & Ancient

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    Jim Bowen's best joke...

    "Doctor, if I never drink, smoke or have sex will I live forever?"

    "No, it will just feel like it."

    RIP Jim
     
  11. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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    Q: How do you milk sheep?

    A: Bring out a new iPhone.

    maximus otter
     
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  12. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    People are losing the spirit of the Ides of March. It's not about the stabbing. It's about the coming together in large groups, to stab.
     
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  13. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    I'm thinking of naming our new bar The Rhino & Peacock because someone's just posted a pic of a Rhino & Peacock over at B3TA and someone else has pretended it's the name of a pub .. and also because it should pique curiosity because it's a stupid name that's got nothing to do with Norfolk and would eventually get shortened to the 'The Rhino' .. the Mrs says I should call it 'The Gay Bar' ..

     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2018
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  14. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    In the back of the bottle. Attention to detail, I like that.
     
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  16. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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  17. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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  18. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    He has, in his hand, a piece of paper.
     
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  19. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    Batman says his goodbyes

     
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  20. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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  21. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    One eve, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
    ‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
    ‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of the morning?" enquired the constable sarcastically.
    ‘My wife is.'
     
  22. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    A man and his wife are awakened at 3am by a loud banging on the door. The man gets up and opens the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain asking for a push. "Fuck off!" Says the man "It's 3 in the morning". He slams the door and goes back to bed.

    "Who was that?" Asks his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push" answers the husband. "Did you help him?" She asks "No I fucking didn't, it's 3am and its pissing down". "Well you've got a short memory" she says "Don't you remember 3 months ago when we broke down and those 2 guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!" The man does as he's told, he gets dressed and goes out into the rain".

    He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer "Do you still need a push?" Calls the husband "Yes please" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" Asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing" replies the drunk.
     
  23. Yithian

    Yithian Intergalactic Space Crusader Staff Member

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  24. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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  25. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it infamy! :rollingw:
     
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  26. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
     
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  27. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    I am nobody, and nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
     
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  28. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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  29. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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  30. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    Someone with a wicked sense of humour did that.
     

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