Humour & Jokes

Discussion in 'Chat' started by rynner2, Dec 31, 2007.

Do you have a GSOH?

  1. Yes

    26 vote(s)
    45.6%
  2. Sometimes

    9 vote(s)
    15.8%
  3. No

    7 vote(s)
    12.3%
  4. What's a GSOH?

    15 vote(s)
    26.3%
  1. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    An armed, masked robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

    As the robber is leaving, one brave customer grabs his mask and pulls it off revealing his face.

    The robber shoots him dead, he then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

    One of the tellers is looking straight at him so he walks over and calmly shoots him dead too.

    Everyone is now horrified and looking down at the floor.

    The robber shouts furiously, “Did anyone else see my face?”

    There’s a brief silence then one weary, downtrodden looking man with a fearsome wife, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think my wife may have caught a glimpse.”
     
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  2. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    What's the stupidest animal in Africa?

    The penguin.
     
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  3. dreeness .

    dreeness . Justified & Ancient

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    :sherlock:

    I suspect that's a Canadian girl.

    That girl appears to be eating soup from a Tim Hortons restaurant.
    https://www.tripadvisor.ca/Location...ons-Kitchener_Region_of_Waterloo_Ontario.html

    And a packet of Tim Hortons french fries.
    https://www.tripadvisor.ca/Location...9-Tim_Hortons-Vancouver_British_Columbia.html

    And a Tim Hortons iced coffee beverage.
    tim hortons iced coffee - Google Search

    And that car appears to have Ontario plates.
    And her spoon is empty, she has been posed for this photograph.
    She does not seem particularly pleased with this state of affairs.

    I suspect that this photograph was arranged by her boyfriend, most likely an effing goof.
     
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  4. TheLeeds

    TheLeeds 8 Pints at Dinner Time

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    L'Oreal anti aging/anti-wrinkle skincare... Because you were fit.
     
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  5. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    PRIVATE EYE - Review of 2017 .. almost certainly contains politics sorry

     
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  6. escargot

    escargot Beloved of Ra

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    OK then, what colour are my pants?
     
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  7. dreeness .

    dreeness . Justified & Ancient

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    :sherlock:

    Black cotton, dark grey elastic.


    There are two kinds of people in the world:

    1) Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
     
  8. James_H

    James_H And I like to roam the land

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    LOCATION:
    Hong Kong


     
  9. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    I’ve applied for a job at the Citröen factory.

    They asked me to send in 2CVs.
     
  10. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    A joke I invented myself years ago! Funny how it's found its way out into the wild.
     
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  11. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    I bet Swifty told you :)
     
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  12. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    Trick question .. you're not wearing any.
     
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  13. David Plankton

    David Plankton Antediluvian

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    Grey with brown stripes.
     
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  14. escargot

    escargot Beloved of Ra

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    He had to take them off his head and look first.
     
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  15. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    I love taking pictures of myself standing next to our kettle ..

    The doctor says I've got selfie steam issues..
     
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  16. plastic wiganer

    plastic wiganer Devoted Cultist

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    A lorry overturned on the M6 this morning spilling its load of onions all over the carriage way, The police said you could use the hard shoulder to cry on
     
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  17. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    "It's impossible," said pride.

    "It's risky," said experience.

    "It's pointless," said reason.

    "Give it a try," whispered the heart.


    "What the f*** was that?" Shouted the anus 2 minutes later.
     
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  18. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    Durian fruit, of course.
     
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  19. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    What walks on all fours, then on two, then on three?

    I don't know, probably some Pokemon.
     
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  20. dreeness .

    dreeness . Justified & Ancient

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  21. TheLeeds

    TheLeeds 8 Pints at Dinner Time

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    My wife's leaving me because I'm too abusive and controlling. She's actually not leaving me, it doesn't matter what she wants.
     
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  22. genex17

    genex17 Devoted Cultist

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    When I was a youngster, we were taught that sometime in the future there would be flying cars.

    Well, Wait no more! where you go to get a car pulled.jpg
     
  23. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    1.21 JIGOWATTS !!

    Doc.gif
     
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  24. genex17

    genex17 Devoted Cultist

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    And from Flying Driver's Ed 101: Be sure to clear the wires!

    fark_h26IZyVqecOwL8I9xpGIvPmGRuE.jpg
     
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  25. Swifty

    Swifty Generation Y

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    Someone needs to send that pic into park like a c**t dot com. :)
     
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  26. genex17

    genex17 Devoted Cultist

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    He's better than most, Swifty. Not taking up the handicapped spot or three spaces. :eek:
     
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  27. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    The owner's just washed it and is hanging it up to dry.
     
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  28. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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    You don't have the "Need to Know"
    “You should have seen the Toyota that got away!”

    maximus otter
     
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  29. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Carbon Based Infestation

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    WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS

    'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
    -Infantry Journal-

    'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
    - US.Air Force Manual -

    'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
    - General Douglas MacArthur -

    'Tracers work both ways.'
    - Army Ordnance Manual-

    'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
    - Infantry Journal -

    'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
    - Naval Ops Manual -

    'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
    - Unknown Infantry Recruit-

    'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
    - Infantry Journal-

    'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
    - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

    'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
    - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

    'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
    -Unknown Author-

    'If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
    - Fixed Wing Pilot-

    'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
    -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

    'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
    -Unknown Author-

    'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!” the last two will be echoes.'
    If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
    -Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

    'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies.
    -Sign over Control Tower Door-

    'Never trade luck for skill.'
    -Author Unknown-

    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
    'Did you feel that? What's that noise? and 'Oh S...!'
    -Authors Unknown-

    'Airspeed, Altitude and Brains.
    Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
    -Basic Flight Training Manual-

    'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
    - Emergency Checklist-

    'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

    'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
    -Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

    'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
    - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
    having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
     
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  30. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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    You don't have the "Need to Know"
    ^

    Also:

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

    "If your attack is going very well, it's an ambush."

    "The only time you can have too much ammo is if you're on fire or swimming."

    maximus otter
     
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