Humour & Jokes

Discussion in 'Chat' started by rynner2, Dec 31, 2007.

Do you have a GSOH?

  1. Yes

    22 vote(s)
    44.0%
  2. Sometimes

    9 vote(s)
    18.0%
  3. No

    7 vote(s)
    14.0%
  4. What's a GSOH?

    12 vote(s)
    24.0%
  1. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    An elderly man approached an attractive young woman in a supermarket.
    'Excuse me," he said, 'I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
    The woman felt sorry for the old man and said, 'Of course. Do you know where your wife might be?'
    'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman like you, she seems to suddenly appear out of nowhere.'
     
  2. RaM

    RaM Abominable Snowman

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    Bang Clack clack,
    Cat comes charging through the cat flap,
    It's Christmas Eve and the kitchen is nice and warm,
    Cat looks round, the parrot is covered up in the corner and the dog is in his
    basket with the collar of shame round his neck "one of those plastic bucket
    things to stop them licking bits best left alone"
    A turkey is roasting on a spit slowly turning behind a glass oven door.
    What did the parrot do asks the cat,
    Dog, he was swearing when the vicar called so they covered him up,
    What happened to you? asks the cat.
    Ho they caught me with that pretty poodle bitch next door but one so they took me to the vet and had me
    doctored, but it was worth it.
    Go on I have to ask says the cat,

    What the hell did the poor turkey do?
     
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  3. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

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    Gymnasts have to eat a well balanced diet.
     
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  4. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    LOCATION:
    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    And everything they drink has to be drunk from a tumbler.
     
  5. titch

    titch Justified & Ancient

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    and if they make a mistake it's all their own vault
     
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  6. dreeness .

    dreeness . from the Haunted Swamp

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  7. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  8. Yithian

    Yithian Keeping The British End Up Staff Member

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    WEBSITE:
    http://petergreenaway.org.uk/drowning.htm
  9. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  10. RaM

    RaM Abominable Snowman

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    I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.
    I missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs.

    :tears:
     
  11. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

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    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    That's the Cats Protection Racket, RaM.
     
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  12. dr wu

    dr wu Doctor Prog

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    One of my favorite humorous bits.....

     
  13. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've got four letters left. They mean nothing to me.. O V N R
     
  14. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  15. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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    Why does Snoop Doggy Dog always carry an umbrella ?

    Fo' drizzle.
     
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  16. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  17. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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    LOCATION:
    You don't have the "Need to Know."
    Greggs has apologised after publicity shots for its new ad campaign included a nativity scene in which baby Jesus is replaced by a sausage roll:

    [​IMG]

    Apparently genuine!

    I await their Ramadan/Eid calendar with great interest.

    maximus otter
     
  18. Min Bannister

    Min Bannister Justified & Ancient

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  19. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    An elderly couple are sitting in church when the wife nudges her husband and whispers "I've just done a silent fart. What should I do?"

    Her husband replied "Put new batteries in your hearing aid."
     
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  20. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
    She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
    “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
    She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…….
    1) You have to be single and
    2) You must be Catholic.”
    The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
    “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
    “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
    The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party!” .
     
  21. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    Following Ridley Scott's decision to replace Kevin Spacey in his latest film, the producers of Se7en have also decided to do the same
     
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  22. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

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    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
     
  23. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  24. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    Towards the end of his life my granddad was always complaining about modern-day prices... "£2.50 for a cup of tea? That's daylight robbery!" "£3.50 for a paper plate with 3 garibaldi biscuits on it? That's disgraceful!".

    Eventually I had enough of this and said "Look, just shut up and pay up you miserable old bugger, you visited me, I didn't invite you here!"
     
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  25. maximus otter

    maximus otter Recovering policeman

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    LOCATION:
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    My dad always told me to live each day as though it were my last. That’s why I’ve spent the last ten years in an oxygen tent with a rubber tube up my arse.

    maximus otter
     
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  26. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    A man is lying in bed looking with his wife, he said to her "Your face reminds me of the lottery".
    She said "What, I look like a million pounds?"
    He said "No, I wish you would rollover".
     
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  27. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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    The girlfriend says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong I took her out for some tea and biscuits.

    It was quite exciting for her as she’d never given blood before.
     
  28. RaM

    RaM Abominable Snowman

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    THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.



    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my backout trying to reach the more difficult bits.

    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.


    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types

    ...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.

    Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.

    I didn’t have long to wait.


    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

    Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me.

    The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

    I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.

    I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.

    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.


    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good”

    Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status

    …so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect!
     
  29. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

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  30. GNC

    GNC King-Sized Canary

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    This kid starts complaining: "Jim Morrison was a complete idiot! Ray Manzarek was a terrible keyboard player!"

    His dad stops him: "What have I told you about slamming The Doors?"
     
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