Humour & Jokes

Discussion in 'Chat' started by rynner2, Dec 31, 2007.

Do you have a GSOH?

  1. Yes

    22 vote(s)
    44.9%
  2. Sometimes

    9 vote(s)
    18.4%
  3. No

    7 vote(s)
    14.3%
  4. What's a GSOH?

    11 vote(s)
    22.4%
  1. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
  2. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    A man received the following text from his neighbour:
    " I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
    A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn the autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife"
     
    Swifty, Mythopoeika, Coal and 2 others like this.
  3. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

    Name: Woman
    Symbol: Wm
    Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

    - Boils at any time
    - Can freeze at any time
    - Melts if treated with love
    - Very Bitter if Mishandled

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

    - Very Reactive
    - Highly Unstable
    - Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
    - Money Reducing Agent

    OCCURRENCE

    Mostly found in front of the Mirror.

    It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.

    It has mixed properties when seated with parents.

    Woe unto you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!

    Please circulate to all "scientists"
     
  4. Coal

    Coal Sure, we're all wrong. Makes complete sense.

    Messages:
    5,012
    Likes Received:
    5,154
    Trophy Points:
    253
    Ok ladies your challenge is: write a similar one for the element 'man'.
     
    Bigphoot2 likes this.
  5. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

    Messages:
    26,087
    Likes Received:
    10,515
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOCATION:
    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    In the interests of 'science'.
     
    Coal likes this.
  6. Andy X

    Andy X Portent

    Messages:
    2,131
    Likes Received:
    1,974
    Trophy Points:
    153
    LOCATION:
    Larch Forest
    And now, before the sex war breaks out in earnest, everybody's favourite...

    ...keyboard humour!

    Ctrl+Alt+Del keyboard.jpg 6a010534b1db25970b0120a5cbe0d0970c-800wi.jpg azVr4Vm_700b.jpg
     
    Mythopoeika, Coal and Bigphoot2 like this.
  7. dreeness .

    dreeness . from the Haunted Swamp

    Messages:
    821
    Likes Received:
    670
    Trophy Points:
    93
  8. escargot1

    escargot1 Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    19,109
    Likes Received:
    7,413
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOCATION:
    Farkham Hall
    That is soooo ancient! :p

    There were ones going round a few years ago on the same theme but about women as computer programs. ('Girlfriend 1 and Girlfriend 2 appear incompatible but can both be run with care. However, Girlfriend 1 will crash and cause severe damage if it clashes with Girlfriend 2.')

    I wrote what I thought was a brilliant one and sent it to a PC magazine but they weren't interested. Can't remember how it went, something along the lines of 'Boyfriend 3 may be upgraded to Husband 1 provided service packs are applied regularly, such as Golf, Beer and Sofa. In time, Husband 1 may start running sluggishly and become less productive. Warning: if this occurs, DO NOT install the 'Nagging' add-on as it may cause Husband 1 to stop altogether. etc'
     
  9. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    So am I :omr: (according to my niece)
     
    escargot1 likes this.
  10. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    I cannot lie to you Skargy, that's freakishly accurate to me and the Mrs ...
     
    escargot1 and Bigphoot2 like this.
  11. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    2,923
    Likes Received:
    2,101
    Trophy Points:
    153
    :fire:______________________________:tank:
     
    escargot1 likes this.
  12. Andy X

    Andy X Portent

    Messages:
    2,131
    Likes Received:
    1,974
    Trophy Points:
    153
    LOCATION:
    Larch Forest
    As Ali G reminded us: did not Winston Churchill once say "We gotta fight dem bitches".

    *ahem*

    Not my words...the words of Winston Churchill.
     
    Spudrick68, titchagain and escargot1 like this.
  13. escargot1

    escargot1 Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    19,109
    Likes Received:
    7,413
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOCATION:
    Farkham Hall
    Wish I could find the original! Techy laughed his head off at the time.
    I could do an update. Y'know, 'If Husband 1 is infected with the Male Midlife Crisis virus, it will malfunction and display attributes such as Combover, Sports Car or Wandering Eye. This problem may be averted if the built-in proactive fixes 'Gym Membership' and possibly 'Mamil' are activated.'
     
    Bigphoot2 likes this.
  14. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
  15. kamalktk

    kamalktk Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    2,923
    Likes Received:
    2,101
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

    You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
     
  16. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    My favourite Police Squad gag
    [​IMG]
     
    Swifty, Moth_in_relay and titchagain like this.
  17. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    The weird and er weird Emo Philips
     
    Swifty likes this.
  18. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    Seth MacFarlane doing a joke in 2013 before the court cases


     
  19. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    John Legend sings Gordon Ramsey (needless to say it contains some very naughty words)
     
    Peripart and Swifty like this.
  20. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOL ... I've worked with (and dealt with) loads of Gordon Ramsey wannabes .. fortunately (for me at least), chefs these days are a lot calmer .. apart from the one who deliberately set the kitchen on fire at the place the Mrs works at, admitted it and yet is miraculously somehow still employed there and not in prison .. don't ask, we can't work that one out either .. some chefs are just mental in a Keith Moon kind of way.
     
    Bigphoot2 likes this.
  21. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    My cousin's son worked in a restaurant that appeared in one of Ramsey's programmes. He said Ramsey was a really nice guy - very approachable and supportive of the staff. He ripped the owners to shreds as they were a pair of idiots who didn't have a clue how to run a restaurant but was great with the rest of the staff.
     
    Swifty likes this.
  22. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    Fair enough but was Ramsey under heat in the day to day situations of that place ? .. no .. anyone can walk into any business and find faults over a short time period and find faults, that's a piece of piss, I've fired people for doing that .. non TV celebrity approaches need a longer term solution .. so my opinion stands .. Ramsey's an opportunist, not an expert.
     
  23. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    It really wasn't a nice place to work, the place eventually went bust.
     
  24. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    The Nag's Head wasn't a nice place to work about 13 years ago .. it might be under a new landlord/lady now but Kev Brady was a tosser of the highest order .. soul destroying highlights of his:

    Refusing his chef a day off on the day the chef's son was born ..

    Making the chef continue to work after the chef had cut the tip of his thumb off, throwing the thumb tip in the bin and ordering him to just wear a latex glove .. chef later went to hospital ..

    Telling one of the barman's girl friends to fuck off simply because she turned up and bought a drink .. the barman quit on the spot ..

    Conducting on the spot frisk searches on all staff ..

    Forcing us to start stock checks at 11:30pm without any prior warning, then pretending we were stealing from him, then taking all of our pooled tips from the tip tin for his own pocket ..

    Twice thanking young kids who'd been honest and handed in wallets they'd found outside only to pocket any cash inside and throw the wallets in the bin after they'd left ..

    Telling us all we had to turn up dressed as school girls the next day .. not for any special occasion like a party or charity thing, just because it would give him a laugh. I was the only member of staff who didn't ..

    Telling me I wasn't allowed to talk to the young lady who was our glass collector .. no reason for this was given .. so to take the piss, I made a sign with a marker pen and some cardboard with "DON'T LOOK AT ME, DON'T SPEAK TO ME" written on it and would hold it up every time she was nearby which made her laugh ..

    He was so paranoid towards the end, he stopped any bar staff being allowed to accept a drink being bought for them by customers. When I explained to one regular why I couldn't have a drink on him, he gave me a couple of quid instead so I could get a can of beer on the way home .. Kev spotted this, called me into the kitchen and said "You're fucking fired".

    I invented a joke about him when I was there

    How many Kev Bradys does it take to change a light bulb ?
    "Why? are you trying to steal all my light bulbs ? why are you asking about my light bulbs ?" ..

    The man was a massive tosser ..

    https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Resta...views-Nags_Head-Derby_Derbyshire_England.html
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
    David Plankton and Bigphoot2 like this.
  25. Bigphoot2

    Bigphoot2 Justified & Ancient

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    5,084
    Trophy Points:
    203
    We had an idiot of a catering manager in a college where I used to work - she demanded all staff call her "ma'am", cut the hours of several staff members so that they could be classed as part-time, wanted to lay off all the catering staff during the summer break and advertise their jobs at the start of a new term ("of course they can apply if they want"). When a member of staff complained she couldn't cope with over 200 customers due to a conference, the response was "if you can serve one person you can serve 200". Later the woman collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital. That evening the woman's husband received a phone call from the manager, not asking how she was but demanding to know if she realised how much inconvenience she was causing by being ill.

    The chef was refused time off to go an see his mother who was seriously ill and about to undergo a major operation - the same day the manager sent him an e-mail saying she would be taking the rest of the week off as her daughter "might be coming down with a cold."

    The chef got his own back. He had to work on another campus in a different town for a week and was discussing his expenses with her.

    "Well, there's travel, accommodation....and something else."
    "What else?"
    "A prostitute!"
    WHAT?"
    "Well I'm a normal red-blooded man and have to satisfy my needs."

    Silly bugger actually put that in his expense claims to finance. When the chef was questioned by the powers that be he gave them a surprised look and then outrage -"I'm a happily married man, how dare she!"
     
  26. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    HaHa! .. good man for doing that, a quality solution :cool:
     
  27. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    On a side note, that whole 'Emo' youth movement labelled as such at the time .. weird shoe gazing kids in the early 90's .. other than Emo from Sesame St, was the 'Emo' thing named after either of these examples? .. popular culture style? ...
     
  28. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

    Messages:
    26,087
    Likes Received:
    10,515
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOCATION:
    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    Named after 'emotional', more likely.
     
    Swifty likes this.
  29. Swifty

    Swifty Beloved of Ra

    Messages:
    15,026
    Likes Received:
    13,941
    Trophy Points:
    253
    I hadn't thought about 'emotional' being the explanation before ..

    .. and I miss the comedian character Shadwell .. when he went to the zoo, the monkeys spotted him and handed him a 50p .. and when his parents bought him his invisible anorak and when they gave him the living room carpet as his Christmas present but he had to keep the carpet in the room ..

     
    escargot1 and Bigphoot2 like this.
  30. Mythopoeika

    Mythopoeika I am a meat popsicle

    Messages:
    26,087
    Likes Received:
    10,515
    Trophy Points:
    253
    LOCATION:
    Inside a starship, watching puny humans from afar
    I loved that character! Shame Sparkes killed it off.

    I also liked Rik Mayall's 'Kevin Turvey' character.
     

Share This Page